Here I am

Many of you have been asking me what’s going on with my blog. 

What’s going on with my blog? 

We’re used with things coming out and about whenever we want them to. In this day and age, if something good is going on, it means we want more of it, and we want it now. We’re not living in an age of instant gratification and immediacy just to not receive things whenever we want, right? Andreea, give us bloooog!

It’s been 8 months since I last published something – it feels like it’s been 8 days. I haven’t stopped writing, though. It’s just a matter of being ready to share things publicly, to allow myself and my thoughts to be known and invaded by other’s opinions and thoughts in return, whether they’re positive or negative. I started things, I finished others, some fictional, some inspired by “real” situations. Bits of text that were too personal to share or too controversial to even write about, bits of text that had more than one main character that often ends up not being in my life anymore. Characters come and go, lessons are learned or forgotten, you grow or you stay the same. 

I am on a journey of self-discovery.  

Never in my life have I been more aware of myself. 

Never before have I been more confused as to who I am. 

Never in my life have I been more conscious of the people around me and their beings. 

Never before have I known so much about culture.

‘Are you ok, Andreea?’

A while ago, someone passed by me on the way to his destination and, for some reason, he asked me this question. No prejudice, no assumption, no tone. Just the weight of those words floating in the air, connecting the unknown between us. What does one do when faced with such a dilemma? 

In my mind, the classic cliche unfolded. No, I’m not ok. I’m stressed and tired, lost and confused, longing for that which I cannot have and pushing away that which I do have. I entertain myself with mindless distractions and engage in the endless illusion of money and its power over the opportunities in my life. I’m stuck in the misery of the modern lifestyle while the urban environment is constricting me from breathing gulps of fresh mountain air. Is it still fresh when half of its trees are repurposed for farming? Is it still fresh when the layer above it is contaminated by airplane chemtrails? Is it still fresh when the waters are flowing through streams of pollution?

Forest with green trees and a grass field and blue skies

Of course, it’s all about perspective. Some would find my situation to be the best compared to others – I do eat every day and I can afford all the necessities. Yet, I find myself imprisoned with the need for money in order to survive, as I’ve never lived in the wild and natural resources are too out of reach in the city. I could give up money and everything that comes with it, but I’m too comfortable to reach into the unknown. Nature has become the unknown nowadays, providing for yourself and surviving the threat of a physical death is something our ancestors had to worry about.

Things have changed. We’re under the threat of an intellectual and conceptual death. What does it matter that our bodies decay, if our legacy lives on? What does it matter that we destroy everything around us, as long as there are still people around to talk to about it? Concepts and imagination push each other aside to win over the mind. We’ve come very far on the evolutionary scale and established ourselves as “superior” to all the rest, even those amongst our own species. Speech and fantasy are what brought us evolution – the intellect, the mind, the synapses whose work still remains a mystery to solve. 

What’s most baffling to me is how two humans, two fundamentally similar beings, can be so different when it comes to aspects of the mind and “human” conduct, aspects technically developed through the commonality of speech. Ethics, morality, and beliefs determined by culture, education, experience… there’s not one overarching element. Relationships last forever or they break with screams, all because of our minds and the craving for the physical. 

It’s assumptive of me to blame it on culture or evolution. Blame it on the people. Blame it on the individual. Blame it – 

“Andreea, you need to be more positive, dear.”

‘Yes, I’m good. And you?’ I answered. 

‘Yes… Why are you smiling?’ 

‘Because not a lot of people ask me that question. Thank you’.

The meaning of his words was more than a casualty thrown out of the sake of courtesy or the sake of social interaction. That’s when you feel that a person becomes valuable to you and you develop a relationship of care and trust. Sadly, we betrayed each other’s trust in the meantime. We come into each other’s lives, we make mistakes, we learn lessons, we move on. Is he a bigger person for doing things I don’t agree with? Am I a bigger person for believing I am right based on my morality and ethics, my culture and education? Who’s to say – God, who doesn’t even say much?

Not sure what the point of this post is (this seems to happen often). People, culture, the self, self-sufficient millennial ramblings that run through my head? Maybe I’m writing only when I’m trying to convince myself of certain things. By encouraging others, I’m subtly sending my brain and ego signals convincing me that I have to follow my own advice. What’s clear is that I’m suffering a culture shock, especially with myself. I try to be less of who I am and more of who you all want me to be. 

But what does that help me with? 

Author: Andreea.

I exist because I have to, and I have to exist.

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